There are people in this world who are reluctant to engage in conversation or, at least, to start one. My guess is they don’t want to reveal themselves to people they don’t know well—or at all. Perhaps it’s fear a judgement will ensue. Or, because you’re an unknown, they can’t trust you in the least. Or, they don’t have much to say. The problem is you’re sitting next to them at a social event or in the dining room of a cruise ship.
As a retired salesman, I know who is the most important person in the world: You! Over the years, I’ve learned people are dying to talk to me about themselves. What’s missing is permission. Nobody’s going to blurt out their deepest, darkest secrets. However, disclosing what they ate for breakfast is a safe subject. When they answer, I listen. The dam has been broken. If I like their choices, I tell them. I might ask a specific question about how their eggs were prepared or how dark the toast. After a reply, we’re ready to move on to the next level. “By the way, my name’s Howard. And yours?”
This is the beginning of rapport. After the informal introduction, I like to shake hands. Why? In ancient times, the act signaled that you didn’t hold a weapon. In our modern era, the touching of hands tacitly conveys your humanity. I’m just like you. “Nice to meet you.” This simple gesture plants a seed which may blossom into acceptance and, possibly, trust.
If you are truly interested in making a good acquaintance or a friend, the next statement you make will be very important. It takes practice and patience to do it right. What you are doing is laying the foundation for a relationship. The statement is: “Tell me about yourself.” The important part after making the comment is to listen—not merely hear the words—but to develop an understanding of what is being said. In other words, pay attention. Respond at appropriate points and ask follow-up questions that show you are interested.
The difficult part is learning not to insert yourself. You will want to remark about yourself or tell the other party what you want them to know. Resist the urge. When you’re conveying interest in and understanding of another person, above all, listen. At some point, he or she will stop talking. If there’s a desire by the other party to continue building rapport, the response will come back: “And you?”
Of course, each side has decision points during the process. The more we know about each other, the greater clarity we have about whether or not to continue the exchange. Good conversations may lead to lifelong friendships or once-in-a while acquaintances. Not-so-good chats can result in asking the maître d’ to seat you at another table for the remainder of the cruise.
The art of conversation is a continuum that extends from being socially polite to finding dedicated friendship. As we stand on the beach of life, sifting through endless grains of sand hoping to find nuggets of value, it’s good to know how to work the sieve.
Thanks for your comment, Rohn. It made me happy.
A chocolate protein shake....lol